I've done Ironman. I've done 100 Ironmans. When I was 8 I did the first Ironman in Hawaii. I was too young to be put on the results page. I also think it was just a piece of paper stuck to a palm tree at the beach until it blew off. I mean who remembers that kind of stuff anyway.
When I was a teenager, Mark Allen came to me for advice on how to win Kona, since I had done the race more than anyone else. He won. I only asked that he not give me any credit because I am a humble guy. Not sure if he stayed with the sport.
Pretty soon the Ironman became to easy. The worst I have ever done is 11:50. I decided to do it again and see if I could finish it under 12 hours. I am the only one in the Universe that has ever done two Ironmans in 24 hours. By the way, I negative split the second Ironman.
I do a self supported Ironman every Saturday and Sunday from my house. My fastest time is 6 hours and some change. Guinness came one day to follow me, but I moved so fast they couldn't keep up. I have done ten Ironmans in a row. I couldn't stop myself. As soon as I finished I just started again. Why not? Their easy.
I have come close to not finishing at all. Yes I am human to. I did Kona one year and a fresh lava flow crossed the road and destroyed my tires. I had to ride back on just my blown rear wheel and popping a wheelie for 40 miles. I stayed aero.
When I did the first Coeur de Laine, Idaho Ironman, I helped a lost group of spawning salmon upstream in the middle of the race. Sure it added some time to my swim but the look on those poor fishy's faces when they reached their homes was priceless.
When people ask me if they should get into triathlon, I say "No. There is only Ironman and you need to buy a Janus spot immediately." It's the only way to go. Don't spend years thinking about what you eventually will want to do anyway.
My home reflects my Ironman status. I don't have carpet, or wood or tile. My floor is a combination of parking lot asphalt, grass and beach sand. I put timing mats at the entrance of each room, so when you walk in it beeps.
My fitted bed sheet is 2mm neoprene. My comforter is 5mm neoprene. If its too hot I have a couple of space blankets I use instead. Pillows are obviously overinflated tire tubes. I learned if I rode in the aero position I get faster on my bike. So I installed aero bars on my bed frame thinking that if I sleep in aero, I will improve my sleep. My alarm clock emits a cannon blast.
I have no shower. Instead I have lined my bathroom counter with paper Gatorade cups and as I run into my transition area (i.e. closet) I splash cups of water on me. The first half of the counter is a mix of soap and water and the last half is just water. I have also installed a hose over the door jam, in case I have sand on me.
I don't have a tub, I use an endless pool. In fact I took out the mirror on the bottom of the pool and installed a flat screen plasma tv so I can bathe, workout and watch tv at the same time. Usually I just watch Ironman DVD's.
People never complain about not having enough bathrooms at my house. I have no toilets, I purchased Porta-Potties and have them lined up along the wall in the living room.
There are no chairs in my house. I have used old Sella Itaila Trans Am bike saddles and attached them to custom carbon fiber frames. Instead of his and hers recliners facing the entertainment center, I installed his and whomever's treadmills. Its better to run together than sit together.
I don't think it's weird. I have been to homes of rock climbers and they have rope and one inch web straps all over the place. All their stuff hang off carabiners. I have been to homes of surfers and they live right on the water. They use surf boards for benches and tables and hang them on their walls. They have no shirts. I have shirts from all the races I have entered. If they need to cover up they zip up their wetsuits.
So what's the big deal?
When I was a teenager, Mark Allen came to me for advice on how to win Kona, since I had done the race more than anyone else. He won. I only asked that he not give me any credit because I am a humble guy. Not sure if he stayed with the sport.
Pretty soon the Ironman became to easy. The worst I have ever done is 11:50. I decided to do it again and see if I could finish it under 12 hours. I am the only one in the Universe that has ever done two Ironmans in 24 hours. By the way, I negative split the second Ironman.
I do a self supported Ironman every Saturday and Sunday from my house. My fastest time is 6 hours and some change. Guinness came one day to follow me, but I moved so fast they couldn't keep up. I have done ten Ironmans in a row. I couldn't stop myself. As soon as I finished I just started again. Why not? Their easy.
I have come close to not finishing at all. Yes I am human to. I did Kona one year and a fresh lava flow crossed the road and destroyed my tires. I had to ride back on just my blown rear wheel and popping a wheelie for 40 miles. I stayed aero.
When I did the first Coeur de Laine, Idaho Ironman, I helped a lost group of spawning salmon upstream in the middle of the race. Sure it added some time to my swim but the look on those poor fishy's faces when they reached their homes was priceless.
When people ask me if they should get into triathlon, I say "No. There is only Ironman and you need to buy a Janus spot immediately." It's the only way to go. Don't spend years thinking about what you eventually will want to do anyway.
My home reflects my Ironman status. I don't have carpet, or wood or tile. My floor is a combination of parking lot asphalt, grass and beach sand. I put timing mats at the entrance of each room, so when you walk in it beeps.
My fitted bed sheet is 2mm neoprene. My comforter is 5mm neoprene. If its too hot I have a couple of space blankets I use instead. Pillows are obviously overinflated tire tubes. I learned if I rode in the aero position I get faster on my bike. So I installed aero bars on my bed frame thinking that if I sleep in aero, I will improve my sleep. My alarm clock emits a cannon blast.
I have no shower. Instead I have lined my bathroom counter with paper Gatorade cups and as I run into my transition area (i.e. closet) I splash cups of water on me. The first half of the counter is a mix of soap and water and the last half is just water. I have also installed a hose over the door jam, in case I have sand on me.
I don't have a tub, I use an endless pool. In fact I took out the mirror on the bottom of the pool and installed a flat screen plasma tv so I can bathe, workout and watch tv at the same time. Usually I just watch Ironman DVD's.
People never complain about not having enough bathrooms at my house. I have no toilets, I purchased Porta-Potties and have them lined up along the wall in the living room.
There are no chairs in my house. I have used old Sella Itaila Trans Am bike saddles and attached them to custom carbon fiber frames. Instead of his and hers recliners facing the entertainment center, I installed his and whomever's treadmills. Its better to run together than sit together.
I don't think it's weird. I have been to homes of rock climbers and they have rope and one inch web straps all over the place. All their stuff hang off carabiners. I have been to homes of surfers and they live right on the water. They use surf boards for benches and tables and hang them on their walls. They have no shirts. I have shirts from all the races I have entered. If they need to cover up they zip up their wetsuits.
So what's the big deal?
16 comments:
Apparently you really *did* need more sleep last night!
Thanks for the laugh.
And what can we expect for our next round of '"h yeah - well that's nothing!" :-)
awesome post.
i.loved.it.
YOU MY MAN..are hilarious..:-)) Thanks so much for the morning smile!!!
Wasn't sure where you were going with that at first... but it is HILARIOUS. Thanks!
What? He wasn't serious? I was just going to ask if I can spend some time at his house to get into the proper spirit.
Sheesh, he's only kidding...
Now, I have to go back to plan A, finding the guy from Triathlete Magazine who said only Kona finishers are Ironman qualified.
... which is why we've never visited.
... which is why we've never visited.
Post of the week!
And you didn't even get STARTED on the nutrition possibilities of the kitchen! :)
hahaha, you forgot to mention that you have the only real mdot tattoo. :-)
This is great! But the scary thing about it is, some people would actually think it's cool to live this way. Don't sell it to Triathlete magazine-you will have young guys and gals actually calling you for our decorating/training tips!
And yeah...the cooking show that goes with this would be awesome!
classic.
if you don't have a bathroom, where do you read Triathlete Mag?
Love it!
I can't stop laughing about this post.
I want to know about Ironkitchen. I bet you have a big shaded card table as your kitchen, and I bet it has built-in bulk dispensers for Gatorade, Cytomax, gu, etc. that deliver pre-measured amounts of liquids and powders. I bet you only serve guests from bike waterbottles. Maybe dinner is in a bento box. Guests can have as much sliced slice fruit, pretzels and gatorade as they want.
Com,
You have slowly made this the best triathlon blog on the net.
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