Aside from the continued reflection of where this leaves me in any sort of endurance pursuits, I have come to to think that my body's are like a battery of energy. And even though we can increase the capacity of our battery, if you short that battery enough times, or drain it down to empty often enough, that eventually you will not be able to get a full charge on it.
I just feel like...I feel like....sigh, I have all this passion in me to do things and live a full life like I used to and now, and now I can't. My own body cheating me from the happiness that mentally I crave. Not the all consuming happiness of the generic father/husband/son/work success but the 'seize the day and throttle the shit out of it' happiness.
The sole comfort is that I did this to myself living that life. I just expected it go another 20 years, at least. And I am still hopeful that it will.