I confess that I have done all these things, said all these things, thought all these things. I am Jacks Medulla Oblongata.
1. Hey Walmart! My Walmart has 12 parking aisles with 30 stalls per aisle. So why is it that you only put 2 cart return spots per aisle and none go past the 12th stall? Why the frick do you leave 60% of the parking lot uncovered so lazy asses have an excuse to leave their cart in the middle of the driving lane?
2. Hey cashier! I don't care what your personal bagging preferences are. If I put bottles and cans in the same pile, pack them that way. If I put all my like sized boxes together I don't care if you want to seperate food items from sundries. I like my system.
3. Hey customer behind me! This the land of Manifest Destiny. Don't fricken crowd me at the ATM readerwhile I am waiting to pay for my grocery's. The cashier hasn't gotten 1/2 way thru my items on the conveyer belt I don't need you lining up nut to butt on me. This ain't a port-a-pottie line at the local Race For The Cure 5k. Let me get my damn wallet out without giving you an elbow in the gut.
4. Hey CVS Pharmacy! What kind of fricken customer service program do you think you have? Your rebate card is a joke. For the privillage of one more peice of worthless plastic in my wallet that gives Big Brother one more way to track my spending, I save $1.00 per two prescriptions. Last month I bought 15 prescriptions totalling $800 out of pocket. Thats $7.50 in my pocket with your card. Less than 1% return for being hassled for your card every time I'm in your store, which I wouldn't use if you gave me 1.25% rebate.
5. Hey PostMaster General! Why does every jerkward with a postal meter sending out junk mail and advertisements have the first amendment right to send me crap I don't want, but I don't have the right to refuse it. I don't want mail addressed to 'resident', 'home owner' or 'auto sort'. Its a burden on me to open that crap up and shred it thoroughly to make sure some ass doesn't fill out a form or use one of those nifty balance transfer checks pre filled with my name on it. Your contributing to identity theft.
6. Hey you driving the big fricken SUV! Just because its big doesn't give you the right to jam up my ability to get in and out of my truck you parked next too. I put those rubber bumbers on my door frame so I can slam my door into your vehicle denting and scratching up your baby because your a callous insensitive prick. Just know this, if you don't want a dent, then park straight and within your stall or park further out in the lot.
7. Hey Girl Scout Mom! If your gonna put your kid in front of a grocery store to sell cookies don't give me dirty looks when I tell her no the first time, the second time or the third. When I walk out and she acts like she doesn't remember me and asks again and I tell her, "No, girl scout cookies will make you turn into a big fat pig and no one will take you to the dance" don't scowl at me when she cry's. Its your fault for putting her under that pressure to succeed. She's fricken ten years old! Give her another eight years before she has to learn how to use her wiley ways to sucker money from older men.
8. Hey rich car guy! 90% of the population could care less if you drive a $30,000 car or a $100,000 car. Don't take up two prime parking spots by parking diagonally across them. No one wants to scratch their own car up (unless you hem them in) don't be so pretencious and shallow.
9. Hey Sun City West! I don't care if your whole town was voted a 55 and older community by its residents. Don't kick out a grandma whose lived in her house for 30 years when she happens to be the sole relative of an 8 year old girl whose parents were killed in an accident. You'd rather the girl go to CPS? Your all heart old folks. Remind me why I put up with you driving 15 mph in a 35 zone?
10. Hey ABC news! I don't care if you PC the term illegal aliens from Mexico, but don't call them ' refugees' or use cute, unrecognizable quasi-military acronyms like U.M.W.'s Which took me all of a minute to realize means Undocumented Migrant Workers. I might think it means Uses My Wealth.
10a. Hey every other local nightly news program! Why is it that you speak in a perfect, non-regional specific dialect except when pronouncing hispanic names and terms. When you say Whites you say...Whites. When you say Latinos, you say...Laaa-Teen-Os. When Rob Curtis signs off he dosen't roll his 'R's, so why does Maria Rrrrrrodrrrriquez get a pass? I'm half Hawaiian and half Dutch, you don't see me signing off my blogs with Mahalo-Akkoord ("Thank You-Okay")
11. Hey Katrina victim! I am sorry about your personal tragedy. But after getting room and board on the Arizona taxpayer since last summer, don't hit me up with your sign at the freeway exit that says: "God Bless-I am a Katrina Victim. Blah Blah Blah. $$$" Get a damn job already or the U.M.W. might take it.
12. Hey local Fox channel! I don't care how many commericals you show per hour each night to sway public opinion otherwise but Prison Break sucks. Its a one trick pony that should have been a mini-series. Don't you ever get a fricken clue? And BTW, Entertainment Weekly couldn't give a bad review to Mien Kompf.
13. Hey DJ stop it with the Coldplay! The band is over rated and the music is not rock, its crap. Rock music should not sound like a lullabye. This what you get folks when you grow up listening to New Kids and Backstreet. Please Lord give me back the days when Van Halen and Guns N Roses were real rock. When bubble gum lipstick rock was still good with bands like Winger and Poison, not this whinny high pitched, 'I am a man but this is a girls voice' stuff that DJ's think should be Top 40. You are emasculating young men. Hell Michael Jackson had better guitar riffs on Billie Jean and Smooth Criminal than what I hear today. Why do I think that Kellie Clarkson is a bigger rocker than Coldplay?
1. Hey Walmart! My Walmart has 12 parking aisles with 30 stalls per aisle. So why is it that you only put 2 cart return spots per aisle and none go past the 12th stall? Why the frick do you leave 60% of the parking lot uncovered so lazy asses have an excuse to leave their cart in the middle of the driving lane?
2. Hey cashier! I don't care what your personal bagging preferences are. If I put bottles and cans in the same pile, pack them that way. If I put all my like sized boxes together I don't care if you want to seperate food items from sundries. I like my system.
3. Hey customer behind me! This the land of Manifest Destiny. Don't fricken crowd me at the ATM readerwhile I am waiting to pay for my grocery's. The cashier hasn't gotten 1/2 way thru my items on the conveyer belt I don't need you lining up nut to butt on me. This ain't a port-a-pottie line at the local Race For The Cure 5k. Let me get my damn wallet out without giving you an elbow in the gut.
4. Hey CVS Pharmacy! What kind of fricken customer service program do you think you have? Your rebate card is a joke. For the privillage of one more peice of worthless plastic in my wallet that gives Big Brother one more way to track my spending, I save $1.00 per two prescriptions. Last month I bought 15 prescriptions totalling $800 out of pocket. Thats $7.50 in my pocket with your card. Less than 1% return for being hassled for your card every time I'm in your store, which I wouldn't use if you gave me 1.25% rebate.
5. Hey PostMaster General! Why does every jerkward with a postal meter sending out junk mail and advertisements have the first amendment right to send me crap I don't want, but I don't have the right to refuse it. I don't want mail addressed to 'resident', 'home owner' or 'auto sort'. Its a burden on me to open that crap up and shred it thoroughly to make sure some ass doesn't fill out a form or use one of those nifty balance transfer checks pre filled with my name on it. Your contributing to identity theft.
6. Hey you driving the big fricken SUV! Just because its big doesn't give you the right to jam up my ability to get in and out of my truck you parked next too. I put those rubber bumbers on my door frame so I can slam my door into your vehicle denting and scratching up your baby because your a callous insensitive prick. Just know this, if you don't want a dent, then park straight and within your stall or park further out in the lot.
7. Hey Girl Scout Mom! If your gonna put your kid in front of a grocery store to sell cookies don't give me dirty looks when I tell her no the first time, the second time or the third. When I walk out and she acts like she doesn't remember me and asks again and I tell her, "No, girl scout cookies will make you turn into a big fat pig and no one will take you to the dance" don't scowl at me when she cry's. Its your fault for putting her under that pressure to succeed. She's fricken ten years old! Give her another eight years before she has to learn how to use her wiley ways to sucker money from older men.
8. Hey rich car guy! 90% of the population could care less if you drive a $30,000 car or a $100,000 car. Don't take up two prime parking spots by parking diagonally across them. No one wants to scratch their own car up (unless you hem them in) don't be so pretencious and shallow.
9. Hey Sun City West! I don't care if your whole town was voted a 55 and older community by its residents. Don't kick out a grandma whose lived in her house for 30 years when she happens to be the sole relative of an 8 year old girl whose parents were killed in an accident. You'd rather the girl go to CPS? Your all heart old folks. Remind me why I put up with you driving 15 mph in a 35 zone?
10. Hey ABC news! I don't care if you PC the term illegal aliens from Mexico, but don't call them ' refugees' or use cute, unrecognizable quasi-military acronyms like U.M.W.'s Which took me all of a minute to realize means Undocumented Migrant Workers. I might think it means Uses My Wealth.
10a. Hey every other local nightly news program! Why is it that you speak in a perfect, non-regional specific dialect except when pronouncing hispanic names and terms. When you say Whites you say...Whites. When you say Latinos, you say...Laaa-Teen-Os. When Rob Curtis signs off he dosen't roll his 'R's, so why does Maria Rrrrrrodrrrriquez get a pass? I'm half Hawaiian and half Dutch, you don't see me signing off my blogs with Mahalo-Akkoord ("Thank You-Okay")
11. Hey Katrina victim! I am sorry about your personal tragedy. But after getting room and board on the Arizona taxpayer since last summer, don't hit me up with your sign at the freeway exit that says: "God Bless-I am a Katrina Victim. Blah Blah Blah. $$$" Get a damn job already or the U.M.W. might take it.
12. Hey local Fox channel! I don't care how many commericals you show per hour each night to sway public opinion otherwise but Prison Break sucks. Its a one trick pony that should have been a mini-series. Don't you ever get a fricken clue? And BTW, Entertainment Weekly couldn't give a bad review to Mien Kompf.
13. Hey DJ stop it with the Coldplay! The band is over rated and the music is not rock, its crap. Rock music should not sound like a lullabye. This what you get folks when you grow up listening to New Kids and Backstreet. Please Lord give me back the days when Van Halen and Guns N Roses were real rock. When bubble gum lipstick rock was still good with bands like Winger and Poison, not this whinny high pitched, 'I am a man but this is a girls voice' stuff that DJ's think should be Top 40. You are emasculating young men. Hell Michael Jackson had better guitar riffs on Billie Jean and Smooth Criminal than what I hear today. Why do I think that Kellie Clarkson is a bigger rocker than Coldplay?
10 comments:
Comm, i am sensing some frustration here. have you missed a workout or two? ;)
i like many of your points, as i too have had the same thoughts. especially the bagging groceries one (do not put soap with my fresh produce, lady!) i now try to use only self check out. also the person crowding you at payment. again, why i use self checkout. ;)
feel better man. try to get some sleep (seriously, how is that going these days?) and maybe a quick swim at lunch tomorrow. take care.
thanks mip. yes some frustration, some missed workouts. Sleep is hit or miss these days, 3 hours one night, 5 the next. Repeat for several months.
Amen on 10, 10a and especially 11! Living in Texas has been quite a thrill these last however many months with the influx of Katrina-ites... /sarcasm off/
Waht a rant..
I tend to read book once and forget about it. Big weakness in my part...so i am goign ot re-read the TB over and over.
Holy, Shhhhhh...I didn't know you had it in you. You had me cracking up. Funny...and so true. I guess there are some things I do not miss about Phoenix.
Really can't relate to any of these, but #7, in a big way. Don't teach your little girls to try to beat me to the other exit when I'm walking away from them. Holy shit! I just box 6 freakin' boxes at the office and still have coworkers putting sheets in front of my face.
And while I'm at it... how about not letting your 12-year old daughter stand on the curb in a bikini top and daisy dukes trying to act sexy so I get carwash for the humane society or something. Where are these kids parents?
hilarious commodore. I hope things calm down.
Does someone need a nap? Or a good run? ;)
Uh, are you tapering? Dude, way to soon. Oh, it must be the end of the month, as in, closing the books at the end of the month, right? Does it have anything to do with the mightiest of all, Mighty Mo. Whatever ales you friend, I hope you find peace with it soon. I hardly recognized this man. Your friend
Benny
when i start feeling like that, all it takes is a couple (5) cadbury eggs to make the world right again.
i'd like to top your rant off with: "hey! non-profit company A, B, or C. i understand that by telling you i'm not interest in donating to your cause when you call me on the phone during the day. please understand that i have a standing rule that any type of solicitation, non-profit or not, doesn't get a single penny. i may very well donate to your organization some other time - but not today. don't give me shit for not giving you money over the phone. for all i know, you're not who you say you are."
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