Following Follow Up

Well the good news is that I am still a 'High Functioning Idiot'. That's a technical term I am sure.

The doctor said, regarding my tests, that my current concussion and my previous, "quite remarkable history of head injury" does not show any signs of dementia or raise concerns of a degradation of mental capacity from this point. Mistress was pleased to hear that. She was pleased to hear most of what was said.

What caused me some irritation was this talk of depression and perhaps talking medication for that. He would always come back remarking about my ability to cope and function after all that has happened to my head and that depression can be a symptom of repetitive TBI.

After a few of these comments I just had to say, "Look. I know each day is blessing for me. I know I 'm only supposed to be functional 3rd grader. That I should not be married to a wonderful woman and instead being cared for by my parents for the rest of my life. That I should barely be able to walk normally let alone train and compete in Ironman races. I know all that. But I demand more of myself than where I am at right now. I am hard on myself because I expect more of myself. I hold myself to a higher level of expectation because I know how easy it would be for me to be just a common man."

"I think it is normal to be bummed about missing a workout or not meeting expectations in life or work or training. But I am not depressed about it for days on end. My job is all about attention to detail. I own a business that I think should be doing a hell of a lot better than it is right now and yeah that can bum anyone out from time to time."

The doctor asked me a good question. "What is your definition of depression?"

I said after some thought, "I don't know. I don't know because I don't see myself as depressed. Maybe its a fictional description. My illustration of depression is from movies and tv, and I certainly don't fit those prototypes. Sure there are days I don't want to leave the house and just sit on the couch and read or watch movies but I don't lock myself in my room and not come out or stay in bed all day. I don't miss work because life is too hard or not take care of basic hygiene. I don't contemplate hurting myself or act in a manner that pushes away people who love me."

The doctor and Mistress had some talk about my response and my reaction to missing workouts or eating poorly and he asked me another question. "Are you hard on yourself if you don't meet your expectations? Is it okay to not race well and just enjoy the process of the training?"

"Of course," I said. "But if I miss some key workouts I am not going to use that to alibi a poor race. Obstacles face us all the time in life, it doesn't give anyone the right to use that as an excuse to not give it your all at what we do. Its not okay to be unprepared for something and then indignant when there's consequences when doesn't go right."

"I have missed some key bike rides the last three weeks and have an important bike race this weekend. This concussion has not helped my mind or my preparation. I have gone from feeling over prepared to just wanting to finish with a smile on my face and I am okay with that. But I am not going to just not do the race. Or just not give it my best out there. Races, like life, are about overcoming, about finding a way, about having options, about not being a victim."

While I was at conflict with some of what was said, I feel that what I was really interested in, the coping mechanisms and ongoing strategy work, were not being seen as something I really wanted to do. Even as we left Mistress was asking me again if I was interested in some coping therapy or what I have been calling cognitive therapy.

I told her I certainly am. I am not interested in discussing something that I don't believe is helpful to me, (i.e. overemphasis of depression or taking depression medications) but very interested for example in being able to find solutions to get around using the wrong Subject or Noun in a number of my daily conversations. Its frustrating to say to someone, "My keys are in the refrigerator." When I am really trying to say, "The keys are on my desk."

In the end, I am not surprised by the results. Not relieved either. Mistress on the other hand is happy that this last hit to the head hasn't put me closer to becoming a 'vegetable'. I was a bit miffed to hear that the effects of a concussion can last for a couple of months. That didn't help my attitude towards the constant headaches and extra sleeping I am doing every day. I figured about a week. Oh well.

I am a bit flummoxed about how so little of the initial conversations with the two doctors, note taking and testing was spent discussing or discovering depression yet so much of the results today had that word in it. Not that the results showed I am depressed, or I see myself as depressed, but that Mistress had questions about my attitude after not meeting my expectations during our original meeting with a cognitive therapist a few months back. Now it seems treatment for it might be a good thing.

So maybe I am too hard on myself. Is it that uncommon in these days to have big goals and do everything possible even through adversity to accomplish them? Maybe it is. But if being depressed means I am disappointed in my achievements and that helps me to do better the next time I attempt something, (like say trying to beat my time in a race) then I will accept that. I would rather be depressed about my efforts many times and yet ultimately reach my goal and be extremely happy in the end, than be constantly happy about accomplishing nothing.

In the end while I didn't agree with all that was said about my mental state, I was happy that most of it came back with me quite average in my results. A good baseline with which to test against in the future if need be and a modest plan to help me out.

I probably don't need a helmet for things like 4x4ing in SUV's, or short course bouldering or going through modest rapids while fishing. And although I didn't ask, I suppose the answer would have been, "It wouldn't hurt." I still may start a trend. Its good insurance.