Things have been really good at Casa de Comm's. Training and work for the most part have been exciting. Our family has been spending some quality time together and bonding really well.
Unfortunatley I have been having some problems with this old head of mine. The last year or so my short term memory has gotten worse. My word recall has gotten to the point that people who don't know of my condition ask me if I am okay. Even people who do know of the ongoing obstacles have confessed that my conversation patterns and word usage has degraded. A halting speech pattern I thought I overcame a decade ago has returned. But if nothing else, I have some really funny anecdote's.
It certainly takes me longer to write cogent blog posts and important business letters than it did a year ago. (Upon personal approval of this post it took 2.5 hours to draft and proof before upload).
Today we had a company meeting. In two separate conversations, I called two people I talk to everyday by different names after we had already been talking. They sort of noticed that. Another was an employee whom I have known for five years, I forgot her name. Complete blank. She asked me to change a number in her stats (which I update at the end of each month) and I just couldn't remember her name. Luckily we were in my office and I have prepared for such mental lapses by having every employees name written on my office walls and once I found her club, I was able to recall her on the board and she never noticed.
Mistress and I are having communication problems. Not in that we yell and argue, hardly, but more along the lines of her not being able to express what she is doing in ways I will understand and me processing what she is telling me. Part of this is the normal loss of clarity between a couple that has been married for ten years and quite normal I think. I mean c'mon, do you really hear everything that your spouse says to you? Exactly. Not long ago, my mom noticed a change and mentioned it to Mistress who validated her concerns. They have been working together to find some solutions for me.
She has also noticed me more depressed this year. I certainly have my down moments, which I attribute to Ironman training, long work hours and such. I have been around people who are depressed and I most certainly have never seen myself in that light. I have always tried to maintain a sunny disposition. Some of it I think I can dismiss as presumptive on her part, but I think it's easier for her to see this in me, than I in myself. No one wants to be called depressed and I certainly don't think I act that way.
But I myself began looking towards some answers over the last few months. I was especially interested in recent studies on retired NFL players who have suffered repetitive concussions and traumatic brain injuries and now in their late 40's and 50's are entering into greater numbers not only into depression but Alzheimer's and Dementia which statically people do not enter until their 70's.
Mistress, with my support and blessing, was able to schedule an appointment for us this week with a doctor who specialized in neurological issues from head injuries. In the last two decades the profession of head injury has flourished. Back when I got mine, serious head injuries were really not taken, well seriously. That has changed. We are hoping that I can sort of get a 'Tune Up' on my cognitive abilities and learn some new techniques for retrieving words and names from my head.
Well that got rescheduled due to Mistress being pretty sick from a sinus infection she picked up in Seattle last week. I thought of going alone but I really need her testimony about my changes and have my degeneration come from someone who has witnessed them. I mean are you going to take the word of someone with a head injury on how they have changed? Didn't think so.
What I am confronted with, and perhaps for the first time, is that while I am a miracle recovery of traumatic brain injury and it makes for a funny and interesting lifestory; I have not recognized or admitted that some daily challenges exist that I have only faked my way through, dismissed concern about or created routines to overcome.
This is by no means a post about depressing or evil things. I am excited about life. Loving my training. Looking forward to some big happenings at work by the end of the year. I am actually looking forward to getting some help coping with my cognitive functions. If for nothing else than to be able to say what I say without worrying if what I said made any sense.
That make sense?
Unfortunatley I have been having some problems with this old head of mine. The last year or so my short term memory has gotten worse. My word recall has gotten to the point that people who don't know of my condition ask me if I am okay. Even people who do know of the ongoing obstacles have confessed that my conversation patterns and word usage has degraded. A halting speech pattern I thought I overcame a decade ago has returned. But if nothing else, I have some really funny anecdote's.
It certainly takes me longer to write cogent blog posts and important business letters than it did a year ago. (Upon personal approval of this post it took 2.5 hours to draft and proof before upload).
Today we had a company meeting. In two separate conversations, I called two people I talk to everyday by different names after we had already been talking. They sort of noticed that. Another was an employee whom I have known for five years, I forgot her name. Complete blank. She asked me to change a number in her stats (which I update at the end of each month) and I just couldn't remember her name. Luckily we were in my office and I have prepared for such mental lapses by having every employees name written on my office walls and once I found her club, I was able to recall her on the board and she never noticed.
Mistress and I are having communication problems. Not in that we yell and argue, hardly, but more along the lines of her not being able to express what she is doing in ways I will understand and me processing what she is telling me. Part of this is the normal loss of clarity between a couple that has been married for ten years and quite normal I think. I mean c'mon, do you really hear everything that your spouse says to you? Exactly. Not long ago, my mom noticed a change and mentioned it to Mistress who validated her concerns. They have been working together to find some solutions for me.
She has also noticed me more depressed this year. I certainly have my down moments, which I attribute to Ironman training, long work hours and such. I have been around people who are depressed and I most certainly have never seen myself in that light. I have always tried to maintain a sunny disposition. Some of it I think I can dismiss as presumptive on her part, but I think it's easier for her to see this in me, than I in myself. No one wants to be called depressed and I certainly don't think I act that way.
But I myself began looking towards some answers over the last few months. I was especially interested in recent studies on retired NFL players who have suffered repetitive concussions and traumatic brain injuries and now in their late 40's and 50's are entering into greater numbers not only into depression but Alzheimer's and Dementia which statically people do not enter until their 70's.
Mistress, with my support and blessing, was able to schedule an appointment for us this week with a doctor who specialized in neurological issues from head injuries. In the last two decades the profession of head injury has flourished. Back when I got mine, serious head injuries were really not taken, well seriously. That has changed. We are hoping that I can sort of get a 'Tune Up' on my cognitive abilities and learn some new techniques for retrieving words and names from my head.
Well that got rescheduled due to Mistress being pretty sick from a sinus infection she picked up in Seattle last week. I thought of going alone but I really need her testimony about my changes and have my degeneration come from someone who has witnessed them. I mean are you going to take the word of someone with a head injury on how they have changed? Didn't think so.
What I am confronted with, and perhaps for the first time, is that while I am a miracle recovery of traumatic brain injury and it makes for a funny and interesting lifestory; I have not recognized or admitted that some daily challenges exist that I have only faked my way through, dismissed concern about or created routines to overcome.
This is by no means a post about depressing or evil things. I am excited about life. Loving my training. Looking forward to some big happenings at work by the end of the year. I am actually looking forward to getting some help coping with my cognitive functions. If for nothing else than to be able to say what I say without worrying if what I said made any sense.
That make sense?
17 comments:
Comm -
Huh?
lol, just kidding. I think it's a huge step for someone who has suffered from a TBI like yours to understand when the changes are progressing in a direction you don't want to go in. Thanks for sharing such a personal view. I know you will find a way to work through this. In the mean time, take care of yourself. Trust those who love you. As for hearing what Mistress says, I don't think you can attribute it all to TBI, some of it is what all husbands suffer from , it is called Selective Hearing. ;)
Comm's, it's really good to stay on top of these things. Keep us posted.
Good luck with this. You're a fighter, so if something's not right, you'll get to the bottom of it!
Good luck at the specialist.
As for the communication problems, I think as long as you keep affirming to MIstress that you're trying your best it will all be ok (as a veteran of one disaster marriage and one pretty successful one)
alright kiddo. i'm really glad you wrote this. i mean REALLY. i'll give you a call sometime and tell you why.
glad to know you're looking into it. i also read a study about concussions and the issues that come with it as you grow older. nasty stuff, i tell ya.
It makes perfect sense.
I would think some of what you refer to as 'faking it' or 'creating routines to overcome' would come under the category of adaptive mechanisms or something like that. Hopefully a professional can guide you toward more of those and maybe some mental exercises to shore up the places where the words are leaking out - if you know what I mean.
You have sounded a bit down from time to time so I'm glad you and mistress are picking up on this and getting some help.
Really, I call it "sensory gating", but it's the same thing...
Good luck, Comm -
Back when my lungs were a pulmonary landmine, my doc asked me about what we should do. I pointed out that he was the doctor. His response was that he expected me to take an active role in the treatment process.
It sounds like you're keeping up with things, and we always have to watch out for changes. Every time I get a chest x-ray, I ask to see it. Just to make sure...
Good luck with the head doc. I'm sure you'll figure out the best course of action. Just don't do what I do when I get frustrated. Banging YOUR head on the wall is prohibited.
You still make sense even when you don't make sense- you're just a sensable guy.
Good to take action!
On the plus side, as you are aging it is evident that you're also using your experiences to grow in wisdom. It's not unidimensional!
I really appreciate all your comments. I try to respond personally to every comment as long as there is an email to send to.
Most of the issues I have with TBI and concussions are non-exhibiting. Meaning, you'd never know by looking or maybe even talking to me. Those that have been around me for prolonged periods of time see the 'ticks' as it were.
As I mentioned to some of you its hard to be around TBI victims as I only see my fate in their open, hopeful but usually vacant eyes. I was there. I was one. I got better. Most do not.
It sounds like its all a mixture of those things you described. Good to stay on top of it. As I type this I see you have Ironman Florida listed as an "A" race... that's from '06 right? Or are you coming back in '08? I'm considering it myself.
i woke up the other day, and couldn't remember her name...
why should you be any different???
and, i even slept with her.
there's plenty of advances in modern medicine, take advantage of it, i'm glad you are being so proactive.
Thank you for sharing this - I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for you. Warm wishes and healing thoughts coming your way.
Waaaay too much information from Bolder.
Trust in what those around you tell you.
We all have things we do not do very well and fake so people won't notice -- taking notes, memory devices, etc.
I remember concepts but not details, for instance -- can make for strange conversations as I work backwards with people when they start in the weeds.
As we get older we become more like ourselves -- maybe some of the changes people are seeing relate to you not working on some of the things you used to -- sounds like you do not feel much different but exhibit outwardly differently. When we are busy/tired we sometimes have to let go of some of the niceties because of lack of energy.
Make sure your family knows how much you appreciate them.
BTW Your writing is still terrific.
Bolder is so funny!
Keep us posted with how your appointment goes.
xoxoxo
Jenny
It's a good sign that you notice problems with communication and word choice. There may be a glitch in processing information but the larger cognitive processes are still working. Keeping you in my prayers. I'll be watching for the update after your visit to the neurologist.
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