Someone who means a great deal to me is Nancy Toby. We have blogged together for many years. She and I were part of the first tri-blogger get together which was Ironman Florida in 2006. She and I could not be more different in so many areas of our lives yet I have a huge heart and deep respect her.
Nancy and I are not afraid to mince words. Dare I say we have 'robust dialogue' in our emails which are sometimes eight or nine exchanges in length, that go on for days. Maybe only she would understand that I consider her the Jefferson to my Adams.
One of the reasons my thoughts turn to Nancy every day is because every day I am forced to confront myself and the consequence of Ironman Arizona. Weeks before Ironman we had a typical exchange of emails. As always she challenged me, this time to answer what criteria I would use to determine if I should continue racing or DNF if physically I got into trouble as I had in the past. She gave me some advice on mental acuity tests and a stern admonishment that no race was more important that my health as a husband and father. Part of my response below became a bit too prophetic. Its an answer that I reread in my mind everyday when I wonder how I can ultimately change who I am. (For a bit of clarification 'Charlie Mike 'is an Army term for Continuing the Mission.)
Nancy and I are not afraid to mince words. Dare I say we have 'robust dialogue' in our emails which are sometimes eight or nine exchanges in length, that go on for days. Maybe only she would understand that I consider her the Jefferson to my Adams.
One of the reasons my thoughts turn to Nancy every day is because every day I am forced to confront myself and the consequence of Ironman Arizona. Weeks before Ironman we had a typical exchange of emails. As always she challenged me, this time to answer what criteria I would use to determine if I should continue racing or DNF if physically I got into trouble as I had in the past. She gave me some advice on mental acuity tests and a stern admonishment that no race was more important that my health as a husband and father. Part of my response below became a bit too prophetic. Its an answer that I reread in my mind everyday when I wonder how I can ultimately change who I am. (For a bit of clarification 'Charlie Mike 'is an Army term for Continuing the Mission.)
Charlie Mike or DNF?Everyday I replay this statement in my mind, looking for answers. Trying to decipher my internal language and rewrite the code that is inside me. The code that may very well kill me if I don't learn how to control it. And I don't want to die. For now, while I recover I have plenty of time to figure myself out and I am glad that I have Nancy to ask me the tough questions.
Tough question to talk about honestly because my primal decisions countermands rational thought. I know inside me is a dark place that I go to when faced with a mission/challenge/race. Its a switch that shuts off pain and emotion. Its raw and base. There is snot and blood and action. Its the last 'R' of the Ranger creed which says "Readily will I display the intestinal fortitude required to fight on to the Ranger objective and complete the mission though I be the lone survivor." In other terms, Don't Quit, Do You Have The Heart?, Ever Forward, Charlie Mike, and other quips I have used to Just Keep Moving Forward and finish what I started.
I don't know if I can stop in a race, I don't like to even sit down exhausted during a run. I know I should have stopped at every aid station along the bike course last year and called it a day. I did not intend to stop at T2, however what came out of my mouth to the volunteer was not, "Take me to my gear bag" and she immediately rushed me to the med tent. But what was constantly being repeated in my head for the last 56 miles was not negative thoughts like, "Your slowing down", "Your butt and whole body hurt", "Give Up." It was one word: "Options". Quitting is not an option, its a solution akin to death. As long as I was on the race course I could decide what to do, I had decisions to make to keep me alive. Once I quit, the step between solution and acceptance would last much longer than the pain I would be in while out there.
I will Charlie Mike till the end, I don't know how to quit. They will have to pull me off the course. I do think I have learned through my experience last year that if I do pull out of a race for whatever reason, I will not be ostracized by my friends. That was a concern of mine, letting people down, but really I just don't want to let myself down. I can come up will all sorts of alibis to not workout or cut a practice short, procrastinate a task, justify one thing over another. But in the end, deep down, I will know if I quit early on what is important and after all the effort and money and sacrifice I have put into this race, its important today. I will know, if I still had something in me to give. That I had not exhausted every option. That for me, is harder than living with a DNF. Should my line between doing whats right and pushing the edge be a little bit closer, probably, but in me its pretty far apart. Whatever I can do for short term for results I can deal with long term later.
7 comments:
Awww, thank you, Comm. Jefferson rocks, that's a supreme compliment!!
And shouldn't you be sleeping instead of posting at 4:48 AM? Just askin'....
Many people learn about themselves through triathlon. Dare I say, many are trying to figure out your level of Charlie Mike. It's already there for you. Perhaps your lesson is to come in the reverse that it is okay not to push to the end- it doesn't take away from your mental fortitude...it enhances it...knowing when to back down is just as important as finishing.
That's tough, Comm. I think that identifying the line between giving it everything you have and just being downright reckless with your life is just plain tough when you are so used to pushing through whatever comes your way in Ironman training.
A lot of us have yet to really identify that line because we've not had health conditions that require it.
But when it all boils down, I think at this point you must err on the side of not pushing hard enough, instead of the alternative. You have to...you have too much depending on you. And it doesn't make you less strong, less of a man, less of a triathlete or anything...it makes you smarter, stronger, and a better triathlete, husband, father, etc. than you would be otherwise.
None of us know when we might be limited in what we have to give to this sport. We all have different situations, and we have to take what we have and do the best we can with it...all the while keeping our priorities in check.
Hang in there. You're the toughest guy I know...use it to your advantage instead of your disadvantage.
You and Nancy are an interesting study in contrast. She quits the second she thinks her health is in danger - you keep (or used to keep) going no matter what. I just sit and watch and wish you both well.
Well, 21stCM, I don't know if I can claim that much sense, seeing as I lost about a month of training this last spring after racing in cold rain with bronchitis and pneumonia....
I'd be nice if there were some kind of solid line that you draw and measure if what you're doing is a matter of perserverance vs. stupidity. Unfortunately, life isn't always so black and white.
Nancy put it well by saying that no race is as important as your role as a father and a husband. Far better to quit at a race than to quit on them.
OK, that maybe didn't come out right. What I meant by my previous post was that it's hard to tell the difference between when you're being mentally tough and when you've gone past that point and are doing potentially harmful, unnecessary damage to your body. I've been there in the past and have probably pushed the line a little too far at times.
In no way did I mean to call Comm "stupid". :)
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