Respects

I am on my way to California this weekend to pay my respects to a deceased relative. I am escorting my mom on the flights. Its going to be a very odd trip for me. There will be many family members I don't remember except I have heard their name constantly over the years. I admit I have exiled myself from my extended family for the last twenty years as a way of dealing with my head injury.

Hard to say if I will react positively to this influx or not. I have dismissed several other, dare I say important passings in my family, the last two decades so it was even a shock to me when I voiced an opinion to go. Perhaps my own vulnerability from my last Ironman has finally shocked me into understanding true loss beyond my own selfishness.

Well it will make for an interesting story the next time I post.

Take your shot

I have been doing my little "runs around the block", as I have been calling them. The sane part of me says, "It's okay to run over your prescribed HR for a while." The insane part says, "Stick to the plan."

Some of you may think I have confused the sane and insane aspects, others of you know the true insanity for an endurance athlete is to 'Go Slow', thus I am in the right frame of mind.

As the weather cools here, more people get out for running, which means more people running by me. Its so frustrating that I know I would have normally never been passed by these people. Its bad enough I am averaging over 12-13 minutes per mile so I can keep my HR down. Runs that used to take me 25 minutes, now take 45 minutes. Gawd. Is personal humiliation a part of my recovery?

I have dreams about racing a sprint triathlon. I see myself in the water cruising past newbies. I feel the sweat on my brow as I absolutely fly on my bike at 95 rpm and 23 mph. My HR is through the roof but I am way up front. The 5k run is at full speed. I am blowing gaskets and just trying to hold on to my breakneck pace. When I see the finish line a hundred yards ahead, I find one last final surge in me and I celebrate my success with tears in my eyes from the pain, exertion and enthusiasm. My arms are raised and I am done.

That dream is going to be a long time coming. In the mean time go ahead and pass me. You will notice the tattoo on the back of my leg or perhaps the one on my cap. You can smile inwardly that you're faster than an Ironman this day. I will be looking at you too. Plotting, planning, waiting. Remembering your gait and your build. Someday I will be released from this imposed sanity and I will hunt you down and I will smoke your ass.

Second Presidental Debate Drinking Game

Single shot for the following words-

• Maverick
• Clinton
• My friend
• Reach(-ing, -ed) across the aisle
  
• Bin Laden
• pork barrel spending
• Judgment
• Bi-partisan
  

Double shot for the following words-

• Reagan
• John F. Kennedy

Triple Shot for the following words-

• Nixon
• Carter
  

Why is it so hard to like normal?

I had a perfectly awesome weekend with my family. I mean, gosh, I truly am blessed. It was one of those weekends that felt five days long and the most relaxing of vacations. So why is it that I miss the action of training my ass off like a fiend for hours on Saturday and Sunday mornings?

I have no training goals. I have no races until at least 2010. I have a huge ache in my heart to punish my body, pushing the limits of cardiovascular endurance and muscular stamina. I have team mates pre-riding Silverman in Nevada and others running 50 miles in 13 hours preparing for next years Badwater Ultra. Had I not had the ending I did at my last Ironman, I would have been doing one of those training sessions.I want some of that action. Hell Ya.

The doctors are telling me to treat this winter as a true hibernation, like almost every other endurance athlete does else in the country does when the weather turns nasty. Of course that is the best time of the year to train down here, because unlike the rest of the county the weather will be highs of 70-80 degrees and very little rain.

Well I can only look at a far as today and hope I get the next workout completed.

Never Fear

After blogging this week on some of the most stressful aspects of my life, time after time after time, I realize I really have nothing to hide. I have always treated Common Man Syndrome as a forum for my highs and lows. To me its a watered down diary. I mean c'mon, I am not going to put my deepest fears, frustrations, and thoughts on here like I would a private journal but its cathartic and to me very fun.

I would like to think its interesting. If nothing else this week might have made your life feel a bit better compared to mine. Finding out we are having a girl is stressful enough, to lose a close relative so suddenly really screwed up my week. Honestly without an outlet like CMS to write these topical thoughts and feelings and receive support from the comments I think I would be worse off.

I can't wait to get back to some diligent training. My body is just not ready for it, mostly from a nutritional and lack of sleep point of view. I can even acknowledge that I am not eating much and can't make the necessary adjustments to get my energy level back up. It will turn though.

Never fear, I am not in some deep depression. I am interactive with the world. I work hard. I went to Mo's school today for parent appreciation day. Basically he showed us his kindergarten projects and favorite tasks. I get it. I know I have a lot on my mind, but not looking to bum out everyone around me and if I've done so the last few posts, forgive me.

Its Friday. The weekend. Find something to get excited and enthusiastic about. I may not find it, but I am going to look.

Out of tune

I said this would be a crazy week and boy has it.

I awoke Wednesday and loved the fact that I would run that afternoon. The moment I put my feet on the floor I realized I wasn't. Have you ever felt that before? The minute you get out of bed you realize your body is way out of balance. Stress on my body. Stress on my mind. Stress in my pocketbook. I am not unique here.

I used to laugh about movie stars who tell gossip rags they lost weight because of a break up, "How could anyone miss a meal", I would think. As someone who eats subconsciously I can tell you, right now, I have no appetite. And it affects everything. I know I have to eat and I try. But its just nibbles. Mistress is used to telling me to put half the food on my plate back, now she's been telling me to eat more. Even foods I ate for comfort, last long on the plate and eventually go untouched.

When I climbed out of bed Wednesday, my body felt the full affects of last weeks stomach flu and itinerant dehydration. The twelve hours of merry making at Saturday parties, the news of death of someone close and the sex of our child.

All I ever want to do, is workout. Even with all the conditions I have pressed on me by my doctors and family to be responsible, I still feel the joy of exercise in all its forms. Its the one true way I know to release stress. And yet everything in me, consciously and subconsciously, is telling me not to. That I am hungry and thirsty and tired and unfocused, and my muscles will not carry the day. Did I not learn my lesson to listen to my body already?

I think I have. So this day does not belong to me. I have not charged the hill or commanded a sure victory. I will suffer the chortle of the internal choir in my mind, knowing they are wrong. That today and perhaps the next few will be days of consolidation. Time to fix what has been spent and used up.

It rains on the just and the unjust. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad. Cliches about a cosmic balance. For this to be the case in my mind, somebody out there is pounding down a bag of Halloween candy right now.

Its going to be a girl

"I TOLD YOU."

Those were the word uttered by Mo, as the nurse made the proclamation. The OB says that everything with Mistress and the baby are absolutely fantastic. HR is good. She has gained only 2 pounds in the five months of pregnancy and was told she could stand to gain a few pounds. Nothing that a couple of hot fudge sundaes can't fix. Its looking like the delivery will be around February 16th.

Mo was so excited he called Grandma before we were out the door. While Mistress followed up with the doctors, he and I went to play putt-putt golf and some air hockey. Then he insisted he buy a new dress for his baby sister so we went to Babys R Us and sure enough he found a dress, and shoes.

I am still trying to adjust to having to be a new dad all over again. A daughter has added some more stress to that mix. I have lots of friends that I can lean on for education on raising a girl, so for me it's all about the practical application.

Isn't it always...