On the Clock

What if you had a condition that didn't allow you feel any pain?  You could cut your finger or burn your arm and feel nothing. After bleeding all over the place a few times, wouldn't you be pretty concerned about how you moved or what you touched?  If for no other reason, than to not make a spectacle of yourself. Have you ever known someone who was on blood thinners?  The smallest nick from shaving could bleed uncontrollably and become life threatening. Wouldn't you try to be extra vigilant going about your daily tasks?

For all intents and purposes I can live a healthy and long life IF I never participate in an endurance race again. Depending on the distance, my exertion, the weather, terrain, and a myriad of other factors, I have and can finish timed races, but I feel like its a flip of the coin on how it will end. My last 'real' event, Ironman, didn't end very well and when I look back, the writing was on the wall for the whole season of racing I did before it. I kept ratcheting the tension on myself until I broke apart. Spectacularly. 

Ever wonder why it feels like you have a broken rib while riding a bike only to find out it was from trying to breath while your rib muscles were cramped?  Ever raced so hard that you make your heart and lungs seize and the hospital thinks you've had a massive heart attack? Ever feel dehydrated and keep going until you have liver and kidney failure? Then keep going for a few more hours. 

While I am pretty much physically recovered from all that, oh yeah that was me, I know now that all that would have been avoided if I could just stop thinking about the clock.  My real problem is that on the clock, I can shut off all biofeedback loops and ignore pain. I feel it. I just ignore it. The very few races I have done since I have had outside controls to hold me back (friends pacing me) or so short that I couldn't do that kind of harm to myself. 

I still feel that under the race clock that I will cut loose from reality and just run myself off the road again. So I am trying to avoid it. I am doing things that keep me active but not necessarily timed. The Grand Canyon hikes, self supported 50 mile run, my upcoming Tough Mudder race.  I feel so much more mentally liberated when I don't worry about cut off times, finishing times and all that. I don't care if I finish a race middle of the pack or dead last. I just know that if there is a clock, I am racing to beat it. 

I am hoping that with my current path of endurance pursuits, that don't have a time constraint, I can find that happy place that when I get back into competition it allows me to fully commit myself and listen to my body. Otherwise I can really used to sleeping in on the weekends.