'Working' Recap

Today I fly back home from the resort I've been staying at all week in Washington State. It's been hard but  I've been staying in a $2.5 million, 4,000 square foot 'cabin' that is surrounded by woods and PGA level golf courses. It's been one heck of a week of work, working out, being on the golf course and bonding with the key people that my partners and I hope will take our company to the next level. Bonding with my partners as well. A group of people that are as dear and close to me as family. 

I have easily eaten more calories this week than in the last month. Good Grief. But what food it has been. My usually routine and modest eating habits have been replaced by things like Polenta ( I remarked the mashed potatoes were a bit dry) and all other sorts of creamy, cheesey, bready, boozy, sugary constructs. I see a serious food detox coming next week. 

The one hour of running I do in the woods each morning before sunrise hasn't help keep the calories off me but its nurtured my mind in ways I desperately needed. Growing up in the Pacific NorthWest I became a runner in this woodsy environment and it is as much a homecoming and emotional attachment to my youth as I will ever have. The fitness center has seen me swimming and cycling as well but lets face it, thats my office all year long so I have only got in /got out based on peers going there. 

I'm not a golfer but many of the people I'm with are, so I couldn't help but play on the resorts private PGA level course, especially when my $150 fee for 9 holes is free. If I didn't play, I caddied or benefited from the liberal pours at the clubhouse. My goal was not to work on my short game but to connect and dig deeper relationships with people that we will take the will of the partners and move us forward. We can duplicate people but we need these people to duplicate themselves in our image as well. 

A productive week but I miss routine. 

A working vacation

This week I am going on my first vacation/not a vacation of the year.  My boss/partner/mentor is hosting all our partners and key executives at his million dollar cabin in a private golf resort in Cle Elum, Washington. Going there from the 110* Arizona summer will be a welcome change of pace. 

Wednesday through Friday we will be meeting until about 1pm for vision and strategy sessions. I found out today that my contribution to this team building, vision. purpose, direction retreat is about 45 minutes of speaking on two subjects that I am very passionate and informed about. I can do it do it off the top of my head but I am a professional and have already put several hours into the presentations. Other than that I will probably scribe some meeting notes, run a few visuals for others and ask great questions of our key executives on their topics. 

As these are only half working days, the rest of the time is for team building like golf, working out, running, playing cards, watching inspirational movies, eating and finding other ways to engage and grow relationships away from the battlefield. I plan on spending some time in the woods alone, under the trees and sorting some things out in my head.

The only downside is that Cle Elum is just to far away to travel to the Seattle area and see all my great friends there and get back to the resort for the scheduled events each night.  Plus I don't have transportation, there is only two SUV's for 15 of us. I am hoping, that somehow, someway I can convince a group to climb Mt. Si one afternoon. If I get enough people then appropriating the SUV won't be a problem. 

Regardless, I need some time away from Arizona. Honestly I need some time away from my wife and kids. Some people think that is ridiculous but Mistress and I believe it is healthy for our marriage to vacation apart and we trust each other implicitly.

I will probably have some internet access so will be posting on here what I can. I will have cell access so social media updates and maybe some photos are to be expected there. 

Time to live a little folks. Talk to you soon.

On the Clock

What if you had a condition that didn't allow you feel any pain?  You could cut your finger or burn your arm and feel nothing. After bleeding all over the place a few times, wouldn't you be pretty concerned about how you moved or what you touched?  If for no other reason, than to not make a spectacle of yourself. Have you ever known someone who was on blood thinners?  The smallest nick from shaving could bleed uncontrollably and become life threatening. Wouldn't you try to be extra vigilant going about your daily tasks?

For all intents and purposes I can live a healthy and long life IF I never participate in an endurance race again. Depending on the distance, my exertion, the weather, terrain, and a myriad of other factors, I have and can finish timed races, but I feel like its a flip of the coin on how it will end. My last 'real' event, Ironman, didn't end very well and when I look back, the writing was on the wall for the whole season of racing I did before it. I kept ratcheting the tension on myself until I broke apart. Spectacularly. 

Ever wonder why it feels like you have a broken rib while riding a bike only to find out it was from trying to breath while your rib muscles were cramped?  Ever raced so hard that you make your heart and lungs seize and the hospital thinks you've had a massive heart attack? Ever feel dehydrated and keep going until you have liver and kidney failure? Then keep going for a few more hours. 

While I am pretty much physically recovered from all that, oh yeah that was me, I know now that all that would have been avoided if I could just stop thinking about the clock.  My real problem is that on the clock, I can shut off all biofeedback loops and ignore pain. I feel it. I just ignore it. The very few races I have done since I have had outside controls to hold me back (friends pacing me) or so short that I couldn't do that kind of harm to myself. 

I still feel that under the race clock that I will cut loose from reality and just run myself off the road again. So I am trying to avoid it. I am doing things that keep me active but not necessarily timed. The Grand Canyon hikes, self supported 50 mile run, my upcoming Tough Mudder race.  I feel so much more mentally liberated when I don't worry about cut off times, finishing times and all that. I don't care if I finish a race middle of the pack or dead last. I just know that if there is a clock, I am racing to beat it. 

I am hoping that with my current path of endurance pursuits, that don't have a time constraint, I can find that happy place that when I get back into competition it allows me to fully commit myself and listen to my body. Otherwise I can really used to sleeping in on the weekends. 

Aging Up

One nice thing about turning 40 is that I am in a new age group for racing. Which means statically I am competing with more people older than me than younger. Now I just need to start doing races that have timing clocks. I'll save that conversation for another post. 

I weighed myself on my birthday. I've lost well over 40 pounds and kept it off for what most would consider an acceptable amount of time. Meaning I didn't have bounce back. My wife, aka Mistress, thinks I am now too thin, the leanest she has ever seen me, and fattened me up for the birthday weekend with delicious home cooked foods. Most people are either good cooks (meals) or good bakers (deserts, sweets), Mistress is adept at both. 

One meal was highlighted with a brine soaked chicken breast that was fresh herb stuffed and BBQ'd. The next morning for my birthday was made from scratch cinnamon rolls and frosting. It took three hours to get the stuff to rise correctly and bake. It was so sugary rich we had to have bacon on the side. And the way she bakes her bacon, (yes you read correctly) you'll never fry it again. Birthday dinner was lasagna and lots of sides, one needing a fondue pot. I'm a lucky guy. Before you wonder how I stay lean with this kind of cooking, I must state that Mistress normally uses her superpowers for good and our usual eating fare is quite nutritious and flavorful without the extra calories. 

That was her gift to me, not some frivolous book or knife between spouses, but her time making me food that I love. And I love her for it. Its too bad that in our society today people would rather receive a gift card purchased in the check out aisle of the grocery store than get a gift someone spent hours making by hand. 

It's not enough to exist. I am going to live. 

How to live with regrets? live your life.

I wish I could come up with some pithy title for this post. Alas, whatever appears at the top will be developed en route to the end of my thoughts. I am not going to lie, its been a rough summer. The last several weeks have been awaiting the inevitable passing of a family member. Thats never cool. I can't stand hospitals of any type. My hell will certainly involve a hospital room. Too much personal pain there. To much wishing I could take someones pain from them. 

Instead of rending my clothes and gnashing my teeth with social media, I just suck it up and hope I have the capacity to make it through the week without another crisis. Trying to stick to a routine of work and workouts that gives me sanity. I feel fine. Sure, I bury emotions deep down and let them bubble up so I can meditate on their implications over days, weeks, months rather then letting that emotion scar me or cause an irrational schism with my normal life. Oh sure, I will scream and rant and rave like the best of them, but these explosions are best left for personal time and not in front of the family or business. Only in front of myself. 

And for some things, it doesn't matter how pissed off you are, it changes nothing so why stew over it anyway. Let it go. Death doesn't seem to bother me much, hospitals another story.  We all go to soon, with things left unsaid and undone. It's always a shame. 

This wasn't to be a post on mortality. 

If anything I am an Optimist, so I count my blessings first. If things do not fall apart, more than usual right (?), I can end this year pretty well. Mae is super healthy, off the chart tall. Mighty Mo is not so great but right now its good. He starts public school next month and I can only imagine how his life will change for the better. Mistress is my rock. I am healthy. Thats saying a lot. That I would actually give a crap about my personal safety before I decided a course of action, shocks my family.  Shocks me. 

It is usually at this point that the writer has pulled all his ideas into a cohesive summary. At least a hard ending. I don't think I am accomplishing this today. Oh well. 1,800 posts and they can't all be wrapped up in a perfect little bow. Lots to think about, lots to do. Regrets of course. I wouldn't be living if I didn't. Huh, I think I got my title. 

It is not enough to exist, I am going to Live. 

Sleepless Endurance

I've battled insomnia all my known life. Haven't really got into the Why's and How's, I just have it. I suppose I could have by now worked with alcohol or sleeping pills to develop an action plan but I try to live better than that. Though when GHB was legal, I finally found out what it was like to fall asleep in five minutes. Instead I try to work off my sleep rhythm and when that roughly 90 minute mark comes along I do what I can to fall asleep. It is not all that reliable. 

Which is why I really enjoy Friday family dinner and movie night. We have homemade tacos and later pile in the parents bed to watch a kid friendly DVD. If I am lucky, I will fall asleep and stay asleep till an early rise for training with the team. 

Last Friday I feel asleep at 8:30pm. Nice. But was wide awake at 12:30.  Suck. Nothing was going to get me back to bed so I went through my DVR shows downstairs. Then I got restless around 3am and decided to run on the treadmill for a couple hours. Around 5:15 I hit the jacuzzi with a cup of coffee for a sunrise prayer session. Then Mighty Mo got up and the day went on. 

I really thought I would be asleep early Saturday. Yet as my wide awake timer finally hit 24 hours on Saturday night I was staring at my ceiling in bed wide awake. I grabbed a book and finally two hour later, I got eight hours sleep. 

These really hard insomnia sessions tend to really throw off my body rhythms and my eating cycles.  I can't really put 100% into everything like I normally can. As an Optimist, I look forward to Mondays as the start of something fresh. A new opportunity.  Regardless of how I feel inside, I have to push it just as hard and recover on the back end. This is one instance where I am not a fan of long weekends. 

Maybe the monsoons will bring me some sanity.

These last several weeks have for me, quite unusual.  I uncharacteristically sleep till the last possible moment, then rush out the door to work. Work has been nothing but stress and anxiety, deadlines and expectations.  My only solitude is the lunch time run or ride that no sane person wants to do in this kind of afternoon heat.  Then I get home late and stay up late decompressing.  My weekends have not been full of training or rest, but connecting with a boy growing up to fast and a daughter who wants nothing but warm milk, Kraft cheese and to cry over incoming teeth and anytime the word, "No" is uttered. At her or not. My greatest failure is not being the husband I have to be. 

Last week saw the conclusion of my effort in several projects at work and most of the ongoing story lines in my personal life so hopefully this upcoming week will return me to a more normal mindset. I could use it. While I have a very survivor like mentality, a mindset that is fluid and adaptable; I much prefer a mechanical life, I know what and how and why something goes up and down. 

First off, we need to resolve Mistresses auto accident several months ago. Part of my disconnect must be the fact that I am driving borrowed vehicles. We hope that by the middle of August the settlement will be complete and we can get something in our name. Mighty Mo and I have wished for years to buy a Jeep as a weekend vehicle but now it might be my next daily driver.  That would make he and I very happy. The expectation to buy another vehicle and even one that could bring he and I so much joy, has got me over focused on car buying websites.

Mighty Mo's health has had some serious ups and downs the last several months and while it seems everything is in a remission, it is not time to let the guard down. We have been burned by that before. This quality of life issue is part of the reason we are considering a Jeep sooner than later.  Mighty Mo has some big steps coming up for him this year and it's more important than ever that he and I have a iron bond.

I have always, always believed in being worth more than I am paid.  Many people may not understand that affirmation. It doesn't mean I am underpaid, it means I am indispensable.  As a mindset it has always benefited me. As a business owner, as a partner, I mentor, inspire and train people and I need more education on my own behalf to continue to be the tip of the spear in my position. To that end, I have to finally move forward with some professional development that involves some sort of schooling or certification. I love to learn, I cannot stand academia. This will mean more stress for me. 

The good news though is that the monsoons are finally here in the Valley of The Sun. After threats from meteorologists all weekend, we were hammered by 15 minutes of hard, sideways ran and hours of that rain smell. As someone who has a very depressed sense of smell and can acutely smell rain, I love it.  Rain rejuvenates me.

I suppose to summarize, I am tired of waiting. Waiting for a car settlement. Waiting for a new vehicle. Waiting to start some type of schooling. Waiting for my sons health to decide what to do. Waiting for my daughter to talk. Waiting for my body to decide its fully healed or not. The one thing I don't have to wait for is the support I get from Mistress. And that means a lot.