Control what you can

In the ever increasing effort to be something more than I am, nutrition is a part of my foundation I must often strengthen. I am sure the doctors in Seattle will have something to say of my plans but I like to hash things out online.

My normal eating without watching numbers, is most closely associated with The Zone diet, 40% carbs, 30% protein, 30% fat. After IMAZ this has skewed a bit higher in the carbs and fat as I let myself indulge for a while.

I am not an Atkins Diet guy and I like what the Paleolithic Diet For Athletes offers but regardless of their self supported claims, I believe a diet too high in protein is detrimental to my kidneys. I am a proponent of Volumetric eating, filling your stomach with fluids like water or soup or low calorie vegetable/fruit servings before eating regular meals so that I get full faster.

I have done enough long term self testing over the years to know what hurts my body and what my body could care less about taking in. I know dairy is a liability for me, I am somewhat intolerant of milk and thankfully ice cream. (If I was not scared of eating ice cream I'd be a lot heavier today). I know that my body can care less if I drink a couple diet cokes a day. A year without it and changing nothing else, I felt exactly the same and lost no weight.

Truth be told I eat pretty good but I eat to much. Portion control is my downfall. Well that and impulse eating late at night. I am a top heavy eater, meaining I can eat more calories at night than during the day. I can go long hours without eating or drinking during the day which is also not good for my kidneys.

The changes I will be attempting with my nutrition are pretty simple. Eat small portions. Eat often. Drink water every hour. Eat lean meats. Eat more vegetables. Eat more fruit. I mean this could not be more basic.

Alcohol is already dramatically reduced. And I don't have the sweet tooth I used to, though it may still cause me some problems. I love sandwhiches so whole wheat bread remains in my program as will some rice but I will manage those down from current totals. I love pita and hummus. I am going to start working around pasta as much as possible. I love potatoes but they are not seen very often. I can eat cheese but if I take them out of my sandwhiches and off my pasta toppings, that will solve 75% of my intake. Have no fear of Vitamin D deficency. Because of the testing in Seattle I am on 4,000 IU's daily.

Its a long road to health and the physcial manifestation of it is seldom indicative of a positive internal diagnosis. I have none many people who look overweight be in significantly better shape than skinny people. I know model perfect bodies with inside syou wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

I know that when I get my insides right the outsides follow. I suppose that goes for more than just my nutrition but also my mental and spiritual health.

Cross this line

When I have a firm goal in mind, like an 'A' race, its much easier to train scared or at least have a sense of completion for all the hard work.

One of the major shifts I have made in my mind is that I am not invincible. I don't have the iron constitution that I thought I had. I am not fast or strong or have much endurance right now. I also don't have a defining moment to coalesce all the hard work I need to generate to bring all that back together. What is a soldier without a mission?

So I guess it becomes a date in time. A point in the future to look forward to that involves some consistency, some effort, some established obstacles to get to and judge my progress. I suppose New Years Day is as good as any.

I don't have any goals yet. I don't know if I can lose weight or improve my endurance or my strength. So I am not writing anything long term down on my mirror in dry erase marker. Another change in my future. I am always someone who when I came up with a goal, I told everyone about it. I made myself accountable to many, especially myself. This time I am just saying, "I will not be like this at that point."

I will be envious and self conscious of that I have no doubt. Its hard to think I once was and now am not. Nor will be some things ever again. I suppose if or when I am able to, I will be more aggressive and set up nominal goals. For now I think consistency without over exertion is my overriding training principle.

Let it begin

Excluding a false start on Sunday, today I begin my new training regimen. Or began perhaps. I woke up this morning and did a one mile...something. I wouldn't call it a run, wouldn't call it walk, as I had to keep my HR below 140. If their was any structure to it, it would be a :90/:30 (seconds) jog/walk. Boy its not easy jogging in Zone 1.

I came home and did 2 x :30 planks, 20 push ups, 20 sit ups, 20 leg lifts, 20 flutter kicks. For a very first back at it workout from home, I hope it is consistent.

The main thrust of my workout today will take place in the gym. 1 set of 15 repetitions on circuit equipment. One or two exercises per body part. Then I hope about 30 minutes on the bike keeping my HR once again under 140. I think that will be fairly easy.

Like I have said, this is the very beginning of someone who has been the ultimate distance in triathlon and now just glad to be able to do something. Expect more training profiles and comments as I continue to learn what I can and can't do and hopefully motivate someone out there who doesn't think they can do it at all.

back at it, later

Yesterday I caught up on all my yard work. Took just about 3 hours. I wore my HRM and kept myself compliant to what the doctors have said. I also followed the hydration plan. As you could guess, I wore myself out.

Later in the in day around 4:30p I fell asleep on the couch. Mo started to get loud so I went upstairs thinking I'd nap for another hour or so. Sixteen hours later Mistress started pushing me out of bed for work.

Whoa!

I rarely nap, let alone sleep for more more than eight hours in a night. I am shocked. I knew that the detox process would leave me feeling drained. I knew that that much outdoor work had left me exhausted. But who knew....

Today was supposed to be the first day back to scheduled training plans but I am going to pass on today as a recovery day. Tomorrow will be the New Beginning for my training.

Do you believe?

I have always said, "I don't believe in ghosts, but I have a ghost story."

I was on the island of Tinian, in the CNMI, training my military unit. This island saw a pretty fair size battle when liberated in 1944 from the Japanese. The two atomic bombs, Fat Man and Little Boy, that were dropped on Japan were loaded on the bombers there.

Over the course of a couple nights on the island we continued to hear bolts sliding forward on rifles, safety's being switched off, whispers, snickers, things you may or may not hear around soldiers. Someone would always blame someone else about noise discipline and everyone accused would deny it was them.

One night I was scouting some routes and checking the perimeter, when I came back to the Patrol Base where people were sleeping. The whole place was in total chaos. People I trusted swore they woke up to find themselves being carried off by three or four people. One man was crying, happy to be alive, believing that he had been bayoneted after begging for mercy. Almost everyone frantic and adamant that they had been under attack by people inside 'the wire', pulled from their place of rest. None of the sentry's spotted anyone coming or going from our area, except me and my ranger buddy. A call in to the TOC (Tactical Operations Center) confirmed no one was near us.

The next morning the news got back to the hire ups at the TOC. I was there. The XO (executive officer) mentioned he got up to take a leak and didn't hear anything around that time of night. One of SEALs who was out all night teaching teams how to probe and work along the beach at night, came in to report and get a cup of coffee. He over heard the XO mention the potty break and remarked, "Yessir, good thing you had your security team with you. You were almost pissing on my gilly suit. I could have reached out and grabbed your leg. If you'd have been alone, I'd have taken you out."

The XO said, "I was alone. I don't have a security team." After a few moments of silence, I gave myself a whole body shake to get the creepys off me and everyone sort of went their own way. Over the next few days, those that were apart of the 'incident' keeping trying to talk it out. They were all convinced, absolutely, that they were under attack. People seeing other people being pulled and pushed and fighting against another person but unable to assist because they were also being pulled or pushed or fought with.

I don't believe in ghost, but I got a ghost story all right.

How about you guys? Every been around something like that?

through the clouds

Personal Note: I wrote this stream of conscious. More like a dumping of thoughts than a cogent post, looking for that spark that would guide the daily discussion I wanted to address. In the end its whats on my mind and I let it out. I have hovered over the 'delete' button many times considering how this would come across if I did release it to the world. Its not a post theme I usually take. Nor think that anyone would be interested in reading. On the other hand, it may resonate completely with the fears we all hold in our real lives.
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I have things on my mind that I know if talked to my mom today I would have to address. And I don't want to. I am very confused about that. I'm not in a bad place with mom, in fact I have a great relationship with her. But I have been avoiding her. Sorry mom. Its true. You want to congratulate me and show me love and I don't feel worthy of it.

There are things in my life that I am still coming to terms with that scare the bejesus out of me. Some of this I write about on the blog. Some of this I have not. But I will. Its invevitable. And you may congratulate me too, even if I don't think I want to hear it.

Normally I am such an optimistic person. And for the most, in all honesty, issues I have today are not nearly as negative or permanent as what many people are going through today in this country. Which is why am conflicted about feeling the way I do. Why should I feel low, or full of trepidation? I have an income. I have a house. I have a strong marriage and good son. I have friends. I get pleasure from a great many things. Just yesterday I reconnected with a female friend from high school that helped me with my head injury. I hadn't talked to her in maybe 15 years. That gave me such joy. Just out of the blue.

Yet my insides are all screwed up. I feel paralyzed with many feelings and emotions that I suppose when their all distilled down equal fear. And in a world where I was once three steps ahead I suddenly find myself needing to engage tremendous energy to make one move just to catch up with where I really should be.

I don't feel depressed, more fatigued. Like I am one step slower. I don't feel discouraged, more sorry for not being the whole, engaged person I need to be for Mistress. I have talked to her about this, all this crappola I have created around me, and she has been the strength and support I have needed.

Its a facade I suppose in the way my day carry's on. I have my smile and blame the creases in my forehead along with the rubbing of my temples on the very real and painfull detox I am going through with my kidneys. I continue to encourage people and inspire them, but feel like a hypocrite. I am writing and saying to them what I want to hear myself. Like an affirmation, say it enough and it will come true. Encourage enough people and you will be encouraged yourself.

The people I have reached out to recently like my dad, my godfather, my friend Greg, have reminded me that life is ephemeral and if we don't prepare ourselves every day for the negative things we will see and feel, we will always be drifting downwards. That darkness can never defeat love, kindness, goodness and fun when you remember thats what really important for a beautiful life and share it with others.

I have been ignoring myself or stuck paralyzed unable to react. Not being the man of action I usually am. Someone who runs into the breach, seizing the day and throttling it.

I guess I need to talk to my mom..."Hello. Mom its me..."

A shot

I felt like I got tricked on my last day at the clinic. Let me just say that spending six hours a day for two straight days with three highly qualified doctors is enough to make anyone's head spin. Mine was crazy spinning. The questions, the comments, the upcoming bill, of course the tests themselves, all led me to long bouts on my back, looking at the ceiling of my room and wondering, "Do I really need this?" I could simply NEVER workout again and most likely be just fine. Except for, you know, turning into a big fat pig and feeling like I was missing a body part.

But the last day was a cruel unintentional trick on me. The previous two days I had been hooked up to an IV drip the whole time I was there along with other sticks and pokes. I hate needles. I have mentioned before that I get anxiety attacks when I see needles for me. Even if someone walks by with a needle I ask, "Is that for me?" The second day ended with several shots to my back and buttocks. Like a sick optometrist, he would stick a finger in my back and ask, "Is it more tender here, or here?" Where ever it was most tender is where I got a needle in my back. But I was told the third day would not involve any more needles. They lied.

The last day started with acupuncture, which is not as bad for me as needled syringes. I was told I might feel a quick electrical shock at my ankle target as it was a spot attached to the chi of my kidneys. I was expecting the typical prick and slight twist that usually comes with each insertion. Yikes! It felt like I touched a light socket. I kid you not it was that strong and went away as fast. The body is an amazing thing. Thank god, it was only one stick that would do that.

I also found out that I was going to get a liver detox flushed through my IV. I held up my arms, smirked and told them I didn't have an IV in me today. That's when the other doctor came in the room with a tray. Dirty trick.

A side effect of the detox, mostly composed of anti-oxidants, was a massive headache. I was nauseous. I gagged a couple times. I wasn't allowed Tylenol, god forbid I ask for Advil. It lasted far into the day and into my flight back. I was crippled. I was told that the headache was commiserate with the level of detox so I guess I needed it.

I don't know what was worse for me, the IV needle in my arm or the hatchet in my head. Again I could just NEVER workout again and be just fine. That couch was starting to look mighty comfy...